Optimizing Child Development After Divorce: A ZOPP Perspective

Divorce is one of the most devastating events a family may endure and brings with it a unique set of challenges that compound the daily ones you and your family already likely struggle with. It is important to not let the new circumstances of a now two-household family take precedence over the typical needs of your children. To truly optimize your child’s development after divorce, your energy should be channeled toward thinking and behaving in ways that minimize the negative impact of the divorce on your child’s daily function. With the right perspective (and a lot of grit!) you can turn the experience of divorce into an opportunity for growth for you and your family — it is possible; it will also be very hard. Accept your role of parent as invaluable and commit to being better in four ways according to ZOPP — our Zone of Proximal Parenting perspective. You have the best chance of optimizing your child’s development after divorce when you improve the quality of your Zen, Order, Partnership, and Purpose (ZOPP).

ZEN: “Finding comfort in the discomfort”

Being a “Zen” parent means exactly what you’re probably thinking it means — practicing awareness and calm. It refers to a more patient, positive, and forgiving essence of being. How do you tend to respond to challenging situations? Are you typically quick to anger or do you tend toward optimism? How you choose to respond to the things that happen to you will set the standard for acceptable behavior in your children. They will look to you for guidance in how to handle life’s adversities, so give them a good working model as you find your way through divorce and its aftermath. To be better in Zen, you must gradually build your tolerance to frustration. Divorce will test your tolerance in ways that seem impossible to tolerate, so it will help to build those Zen muscles. Some things you may try:

· Take a 20-minute walk alone without music

· Attend a yoga class

· Use your non-dominant hand for dominant hand tasks (i.e. writing, throwing a ball, painting, etc.)

· Let drivers merge in traffic even when you’re running late

· Spend ten minutes per day practicing deep breathing

· Meditate on your daily commute by driving in silence

· Craft an argument against an idea you strongly believe in

· Create a daily schedule and follow it even if you are not ready to transition from one activity to the next

· Eat a healthy meal you don’t particularly fancy

· When it comes to plastics and clothes: realize there are alternatives to items that contribute to plastic waste; refuse to buy more than you need; reuse for as long as possible; and recycle everything you can

Activities like these may feel uncomfortable – but that is the point! You improve your Zen when you intentionally challenge yourself to do things that are hard to do. To be better in Zen, you must build up your tolerance to frustration by exposing yourself to manageable moments of difficulty each day. As you are increasingly able to tolerate discomfort, you will find it more natural to draw from that well of tolerance when you need to put it into action in front of your children, such as when you’ve had a terrible day at work, have a migraine, and none of your children are eating the dinner you cooked – it might feel better in the moment to shout and send them to bed; however, remaining calm amid fighting siblings (or burning food) is what is needed to avoid disaster, keep you from declining health due to chronic stress, and appreciate the absurdity and joy of the situation. Emotions are contagious — when you practice a light-hearted emotional baseline you serve as a model of Zen for your children and show them how to effectively problem-solve.

Of course, we all have our breaking points. Do not be too hard on yourself if you lose control in front of your children — you are going through a very difficult time and intentional growth takes effort, which is hard. When you do lose your cool give yourself a chance to reflect on how you could have handled yourself better in the moment and strive for that the next time around. And remember that every day presents infinite opportunity to exercise your ability to regulate your emotions – just keep practicing.

ORDER: “Curating space for predictability and productivity”

“Order” refers to the home environment you cultivate, including safety, aesthetics, routine, and expectations. Is your home in disarray or is it well organized? Is there space without distractions for your children to study and complete homework? Do you make clear your rules and expectations? Is the Order of your household consistent with the Order of your ex-spouse’s home?

The quality of your home with regard to Order will influence your child’s ability to regulate emotions, focus and successfully complete work, and develop healthy daily habits, such as related to routine, sleep, and nutrition. The more aligned your home is with that of your ex-spouse, the easier it will be for your children to adjust between two households. When both parents create clutter-free personal space for each child and agree to present the same set of household rules and expectations, the less the child has to figure out or worry about, freeing up cognitive resources for more important things like learning and having fun with friends. Things you may consider:

· Reduce clutter in the home and create a distraction-free space for your children to be productive in school and hobbies

· Purchase clothing/toiletries to keep at your house in the event your child forgets to pack something

· Allow your child to arrange his or her bedroom and personal space

· Establish a weekly routine that includes errands so you always have food in the kitchen when your children stay with you

· Establish rules and expectations that align with the rules and expectations of the household pre-divorce

· Be consistent with discipline related to the limits you set

· Align your household rules and expectations with those of your ex-spouse’s as much as possible

· Don’t undermine your ex-spouse (and hurt your child’s maturity) by being the “cool” parent and giving your child everything he wants

· Morning and evening routines, such as wake up and bed times, should be consistent within and across households

To truly optimize your child’s development after divorce, you must minimize the clutter and chaos in your home and that includes aligning your home with that of your ex-spouse. You may not agree with your ex’s parenting philosophies, but the more willing you are to work with your ex to reach reasonable compromise, the better off your children will be. Instead of managing different expectations across households, your children will seamless move between homes, which will reduce stress and anxiety. The anger you may feel toward your ex-spouse does nothing to help your children when you let it overcome your ability to make their lives a bit more predictable amidst a life-altering event such as divorce.

Of course, you cannot control whether or not your ex-spouse is willing to cooperate with you. You can, however, choose to continuously practice “Zen” in your interactions with your ex, setting a good example and persevering for a more positive and prosocial relationship.

PARTNERSHIP: “Re-building trust within the family”

Partnership in this case refers to the quality of relationship you have with each child as well as with your ex-spouse. Do you spend time laughing and playing with your children? Do you put away the electronics during morning and evening routines with them? Do you take the time to explain things to your children and really listen to what they say? Do you communicate openly with your ex-spouse?

The quality of your Partnership with your child following divorce will determine whether trust is re-established within the new relationship dynamic. Divorce may undermine the security you fostered within the former parent-child dynamic, particularly the older your children, so be prepared to start again at square one. Dedicating one-on-one time for fun, bonding activities with each child and giving your full attention during these activities is a great start. Embedding within your interactions frequent affection, open and honest communication, interest in their school activities and extracurricular interests, and gratefulness and praise regarding even the smallest efforts made by your children, will ensure an even stronger bond. Similarly, though much more difficult, you should make the effort to rebuild a new trust with your ex-spouse – this means making the choice to see your ex as worthy of respect. You may not feel like making this effort (see Zen above), but it is well worth the investment over time as co-parenting becomes a source of support versus stress.

· Tell your children how much you love them, especially when you are disciplining or feeling frustrated

· Try to feel grateful toward your ex-spouse by reminding yourself your ex is the reason you have your children

· Participate actively in play and tasks with your children

· Really listen to your children and ex-spouse by giving your full attention and putting away the devices during your time with them

· Communicate openly and honestly with your children and ex-spouse

· Ask your children to teach you what they’ve been learning in school

· Speak positively about your ex-spouse to your children

· Apologize when you have made a mistake

· Share your feelings calmly when frustrated with child or ex-spouse

· Ask for help from your children and ex-spouse, and be willing to help your children and ex-spouse when needed

· Attend licensed professional parent therapy sessions with your ex-spouse and family therapy with children

· Step back and give your children space to be independent as appropriate

It is just as important now as it was prior to the divorce to give your time and attention to each of your family members, including your ex-spouse, who you presumably do not want to see at all -- you’ve got kids together so you’re in this for the long haul together! Best to accept this truth and commit to rebuilding trust within the new dynamic of your relationship. If you choose to operate from a place of distrust with regard to your relationship with your ex-spouse, you will feel mentally and emotionally drained, which will impact how you interact with your children. Draw from the memories you have of better times to help you see your ex-spouse in an empathetic light. Being kind toward your ex does not indicate weakness; in fact, it indicates respect for self and for your children, and will teach them to practice kindness toward others (even when they think others don’t deserve it).

PURPOSE: “Connecting with others for the greater good”

“Purpose” in ZOPP refers to the reasons you do the things you do. How do you spend your time and why do you spend it in these ways? Are you passionate about what you do, be it work or hobby? Do you create things to add beauty to the world? Do you reduse, reuse, and recycle as much as you can to help the planet? Do you volunteer for causes close to your heart? Do you go out of your way to help others?

Motivation drives action, but did you know that action also stimulates motivation? Many people think the feeling of motivation must come before an action is possible, that one must be ready and willing to do something before the act is possible. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, the action quite often precedes the feeling of motivation — doing something, even something you don’t want to do, may trigger motivation to repeat that activity, particularly when the activity results in positive outcomes for others (i.e. people, animals, and the planet).

 · Choose meaningful activities that serve other people, animals, and the planet

· Spend time together with your children and ex-spouse

· Spend more time in nature than on social media

· Start a food garden with your children and share the harvest with others

· Take the time to really get to know your neighbors

· Practice daily acts of kindness

· Spend less money on things and spend more time being with the people you love

· Collaborate with others different from you on a creative or problem-solving endeavor

There are additional benefits to practicing selflessness (Zen) regularly (Order) with your children (Partnership) by collaborating with others to make the world a better place (Purpose): you actively get outside of yourself and your comfort zones, you slow down, which allows you to be alive in the moment versus thinking about the woes of the past or the fears of the future and gives you the opportunity to inspire the next generation by showing your children how to be helpers and work cooperatively for the greater good. Wins all around!

ZOPP as a Proximal Process after divorce

You are invaluable not in your ability to prevent bad things from happening to your child (you cannot control everything that happens) but in your ability to show them how to best prepare for and respond to unavoidable and difficult circumstances. By managing yourself, your home, your relationships with your children and ex-spouse, and your activities in meaningful and joyful ways after divorce, you not only provide the warmth and structure your child needs to feel secure and confident, but you model ways of adapting successfully to difficult circumstances. A “ZOPP” strategy ensures gradual improvement through the consistent practice of positivity, plan, partnership, and purpose – by way of proximal progress – and releases your children from the overwhelming grief and stress of what might be an otherwise more maladaptive response to the divorce. ZOPP does not preach perfection; rather, perseverance. It doesn’t matter your starting point, only that you make the choice to actively “ZOPP” as often as you can. Every moment in ZOPP adds to every preceding moment in ZOPP to gradually build better parenting and, ultimately, optimal outcomes for your children.